Episode 151 - The Courage To Be Yourself
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Episode 151 - The Courage To Be Yourself
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Hello everyone and welcome to Come to your Senses. Welcome to today's episode, which has two exciting elements to it. So one is that this episode was designed specifically out of the mouths of my coaching clients and the people who apply and connect with me about my coaching programs, because at the end of my coaching application I give clients and potential clients a choice of a quote of what they'd like to embody in this season of their life as they embark on a coaching journey. Some examples are I am what I am. I am my own special creation by Gloria Gaynor. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly may west. Life is too short to bullshit. Naomi Campbell. And this final one is the one that most often I would say 95% of the time is what's checked off, and it is when I dare to be powerful to use my strength in the service of my vision. Then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid and that comes from the late, great, gorgeous, and so today's episode centers all around the courage that is required to be yourself. I hesitated to even record this episode because that sounds so life-gochy and, truth be told, I kind of am a life coach. I mean we throw the word embodiment in there, because body is the focus of my coaching. But ultimately I support people in living more authentically and being less afraid of all the different parts of themselves that present when we drop below the noise of the anxious and pleasing mind and into that richer, deeper landscape of the body where we locate the voice of what some might call the authentic self. And so this episode is not titled how to be less afraid to be yourself, because the truth is I don't know how to tell anyone how to do that. I have stories and experiences from my own life where that has happened, but I think it can be tricky in the personal development world when we start advertising that we know how to make someone feel something. But what I can promise are three brilliant gems to add to your collection that help summon courage.
03:10
Because when we are given that choice of be myself or be who I think this person wants me to be or who I think is going to help me get what I want from this person or this situation, essentially what we're making a choice between is attachment and authenticity, our primal attachment system, which, let it be said that love and connection are our most primal needs, more so than food and water and shelter, because as infants, we require the love and care and bonding of our caregivers. Otherwise, food, shelter, all of those other things aren't going to happen. So our systems are really primed to pair attachment with survival. And as we grow up into adults, this may provide a certain quality of protection but does not always provide true safety. Because in my experience and in the experience of watching hundreds of clients go through transformations of this molting and shedding of the old skin, of pleasing performance, perfectionism and revealing their authentic spark of radiance, which is just another way of saying their vulnerability the ability to do that is safety, because whatever happens as a consequence of that is something that's real, something that can be trusted.
05:05
And yet that choice to potentially forego attachment for authenticity and again this could be on a very micro level of if I cancel having dinner with this person tonight, I'm gonna die and they're gonna die Like the attachment, the relationship is just gonna completely dissolve, even though we've known each other for 25 years. You know, this is what goes on in the mind of a people pleaser. None of those around here, nope, don't see any people pleasers in this room. If you can relate to that statement, you're not alone In the mind of a people pleaser is just another way of saying that survival brain that gets activated when attachment is at risk, whether that risk is real or imagined. So to your rational brain you probably know that it's okay that you cancel dinner once in 25 years, but to your attachment survival brain, being authentic in this scenario might cause disruption in that attachment and therefore your life may be at risk. You know this is explaining things on a very neuroscientific, basic kind of level around attachment, as to why it's so freaking hard to be yourself. You know when people say, oh, I wish I just didn't care so much about what people think of me A therapist once shared with me Mary, that doesn't make you wrong or bad or pathetic or insecure. It makes you a mammal Like your survival system is primed to attach to others and growing up and maturing and evolving is that process of discernment between what is a real threat to our safety and what is just acting out, a habitual pattern of protection that keeps our vulnerable, authentic, divine spark of radiance hidden. So that was a very long intro that was longer than what I was planning on delivering, and there's a second part, if you remember, back in the first 30 seconds of the episode.
07:23
I said that there were two layers or features to today's episode, and so number one check. Number two is that I currently have one spot open for a new client in my coaching calendar, and who this experience is really designed for is someone who has lost connection, or feels that they've lost connection, or wants to deepen their connection with their deep inner truth. And with so many demands on our time and attention, when you can barely recall your grocery list or what you had for lunch today, it makes a lot of sense that you may be unable to hear and connect with the soft, honest wisdom voice that echoes through your body. And so, if you sometimes feel unable to stop the cycle of circular thinking, and if you feel sometimes numb to your emotions or sometimes overwhelmed by them, or if you feel disconnected from the magic and the wonder of life and you're ready to step out of these more habitual ways of muscling through and overdoing and checking the boxes and making sure you've been a little self-care, good girl or good boy or good human and did your relaxation techniques, and why are you more stressed out than ever after that meditation, if anyone can relate to that experience? All of those are simply a consequence of the connection between the mind and the body and that divine spark of radiance being disorganized and interrupted.
09:23
And my signature coaching container, which is a 12-week intimate one-on-one journey between you and me, is a curated growth experience that is designed to bring you back to the wisdom of your body through the wonder of your senses. So head to schoolessentiallivingcom slash coaching to check out my coaching program and to sign up for a pre-coaching call where you'll fill out a fun, interactive, quiz-like questionnaire about what you're wanting to create and experience in this season of your life and what you're looking for partnership around in that creation. And then we'll set up a 40-minute face-to-face. So schoolessentiallivingcom slash coaching to make that open spot yours and, without further ado, let us now dive into more gems on the courage to be yourself. And so our first gem starts with a question, and this is the very nature of coaching. Today's episode is going to kind of take you on a journey of some of the things you might expect from a coaching container, either if you're interested in my coaching container or if you're shopping around for coaching containers now or in the future.
11:00
Coaching is a process of asking powerful questions to open up new doorways of insight and awareness. So often when people hear about coaching, they think it's a long session of advice giving, and my experience is that it could not be further from the truth. It's kind of like having a safari tour guide who takes you on a journey inside yourself but, rather than telling you where to go, asks you these questions to help you choose your own adventure. And so this first question is what is it costing me to not be myself?
11:51
Many years ago, I was working at a corporate job and it was before I had started my business, and every day I would march in there and I would just blast my eardrums with nirvana because I held so much rage in my body about the fact that I had this seed of passion and desire to start my business. But you know, I was really kind of stuck inside the web of corporate safety and the more I fought against it, the deeper in I got. And I was so unhappy and I had ridiculous insomnia every night. And I was on a coaching call with my friend Barbara Hussan, and she asked me Mary, if in five years nothing about your life had changed, what would happen? What would that be like? And my immediate answer was I would be dead, like there was just absolutely no way that my system could continue down that path for another five years. And that was a powerful moment for me of realizing once again that distinction between the protection of a job with benefits and a steady income and the what's that word clout, whatever image that I had about myself being a regional manager and flying all across the US and the world giving trainings, and you know the identity that I culled from that and the wild, stinky risk that I knew was required of me, which was surrendering to what I could sense but couldn't yet see.
13:58
And so, for you, that might be starting a business, it might be starting or leaving a relationship, it might be moving to a new place or staying in a conversation that's hard. Instead of running away, however, you hear your soul calling for you to be more expressed in how you live your life. As my friend Rochelle, who is the founder of Koya, likes to say whenever we do the shadow contrast dance. Sometimes the best way to get to know something is to study its opposite. And so, instead of rushing right into how to be yourself, what is it costing you to not be yourself?
14:49
The second gem is another question which is flipping the script on your what ifs. So if you think about an area where your soul is calling you to express, it could be those areas that I just listed, or something completely different. I'm going to use an example of moving to another state. This is something that, in the spring, I will be exploring as I go to Northern California, in the Bay Area, where I have always had a deep desire to call home, and my brain has all sorts of queries about this notion, such as what if I'm lonely? What if it's a bust? What if I go there and it's nothing changes? What if you know all these catastrophic situations, which makes a lot of flippin' sense, because to move to a new place where you only have a handful of friends and to leave a place where you've built up community over the last eight years where I live now, that sweet little attachment system is like May Day, and so, of course, it's going to illustrate all sorts of catastrophic situations to try to keep us protected.
16:19
But, once again, this experience of true safety I find is being able to move through the world without needing to abandon myself or deny or shove down my true desires, and it doesn't mean I'm going to satisfy every single one of my desires, but I'm not going to turn away from them. I'm not going to shove them under my mattress and hope that they go away because they're too scary. Safety to me is the freedom and the courage to hear them, see them, smell them, taste them and, if it feels right, allow them to guide me. And this what if? Question, once again, coming from that brain of protection, usually is going to illustrate some monstrous outcome where I'm destitute and dying alone. But the voice of possibility finishes that question much differently.
17:31
What if I go out there and I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life? What if I go out there and somehow it materializes that my dream of having a brick and mortar for my business and a physical home for our Come to your Senses community to gather and a retail self-gift boutique in the front materializes? What if the partner of my dreams, calling all equine therapists, who are mostly sober and have extraordinary depth and are very handsome, regardless of gender, and like to spend the day out in the sun with the horses, working with clients, helping them break through trauma, but is also not afraid to get dressed up and go into the city and take their lady out to a cocktail lounge where we drink mocktails. If you know any of those, let me know, hook me up. Or if there's any of those listening to the podcast right now, hello at SchoolEssentialLivingcom. But anyway, what if that person exists? What if they're out there right now thinking about me and waiting for me to slide on into their barn DMs?
18:55
You know, podcasting can be a solitary affair. You really got to entertain yourself. However, you can Thank you for humoring me. I kind of got lost in the weeds there for a moment. What if questions? So our brain is always gonna ask what if?
19:15
Whenever we are expanding beyond the limits of what we know. And when I notice my brain asking those questions, one of the things I'll say is thank you, brain, for trying to protect me, and I do whatever I can to bring myself back into the body and back into the present moment. And then I seek to balance my brain's opinion with a possibility fueled what if statement. And I share that slowly, because with a lot of mindset tools, there's this idea or perception that we're just swapping out a disempowering thought for an empowering thought and that can cause a bit of motion sickness to the brain and our system will fight us on that process, which just leads to more angst in the end.
20:19
What I find is that whenever I'm utilizing some sort of mindset technique which again are not about erasing negative thoughts, but it's simply about opening up more space for multiple possibilities and outcomes by slowing down to feel my body, it's like it's no longer this war between the pendulum of negative and positive in my mind. It's simply bringing all possibilities to the table. And I could still very much go out there and die alone or hate it and end up coming right back here with less money in my pocket and less time in my life or whatever. But I will have gotten what I went for, which is knowing, knowing this part of myself that feels called to go, answering that call within myself. And when it comes to following our intuition, you know, sometimes following our intuition can be perceived as this magic trick that if I just follow my intuition it's gonna lead me to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And my experience is that following in my intuition simply leads me to more information and then, from there, another opportunity to trust my intuition. It's the gift that keeps on giving folks. And the final gem on the courage to be yourself is sometimes that authentic self needs a little bit of coaxing.
22:04
So I am sitting here in a hot pink romper, cute little pajama, booty short romper with six inch copper reflective heels on my feet, and that's because I've been dragging my ass all day on recording this podcast. I have not felt in my resplendent prime today. There's been a lot of factors for that, including not great sleep and starting a new medication for my IBS and Bo, having chewed a bunch of stuff, my foster dog and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so when I came in here, it's like my brain had been fighting me all day, because, of course, I don't wanna show up and record a podcast and be visible, visorable. Ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha. What is that? To be visible and miserable? I'm not visible. Right now. I'm actually quite happy, which is usually what happens after about three minutes of starting the audio, but anyway, it's the lead up that always takes a little bit of effort. I digress.
23:16
I'm wearing this hot, gorgeous, feminine, elegant to me outfit Because I feel more like my true self when I wear it. The plastic bags are still chewed to smithereens on my office floor. The headache is still hanging on by a thread, but the outfit has coaxed out the part of myself that is most dropped in and can connect with you most deeply. And so all of that is to say that if you find you're having a hard time being your true self, six inch pleaser shoes everybody, they're like a chiropractic adjustment to the spirit. And that, my friends, closes out today's episode feeling a little exposed about my equine therapist's desire being out there.
24:14
But you know what I shared myself. I had the courage to be myself on the air today and who knows what, if that leads to some prosperous, delicious connection down the road we shall see. Taking my own advice, if you enjoyed today's episode, if you resonated with this process of the way that powerful, curious questions can open up new possibilities and new doorways of awareness and melding that process of introspection with the luxury of beauty and femininity and seducing your authentic self through the senses and through embodiment, if this particular cocktail mocktail is a potion that calls to your soul, head to schoolofsensuallivingcom slash coaching to fill in the 17 Magazine Style Quiz and set up a pre-coaching call with yours truly, and we will see you in next week's episode. Ciao.
Have you ever felt the tug-of-war between the comfort of conformity? In today's episode, we'll explore a tapestry of vulnerability and courage, weaving a new narrative of radiant authenticity.
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